SUNDAY APRIL 25th

I should have started a new diary today. Everything is the same, but I know life ain’t never gonna be. Yesterday the prom finally happened. All the dieting had paid off and I thought I looked darn pretty in my dress. It was nice of Momma to buy it for me, especially as it was low cut and she ain’t into pretty dresses. She paid for me to my hair done too, big bouncing curls like I always wanted.

The beginning was kinda awkward, I just stood the edge of the girls, trying to be included. After a while we all gathered in front of the stage awaiting the announcement of Prom King and Queen. The crowd was darn exited, but ain’t no one surprised when the golden couple won. Of course they did. Before their names were even read out Davy and Jessica started to walk up to the stage. Darn show ponies. The whole hall was clapping as they went on stage and were crowned. I ain’t gonna deny it, they looked amazing. I wish I looked as good as them. I felt as close to being like them as I ever had. I was still giddy that Sean had asked me. I knew it was too good to be true. Did he ever really like me!??!

I don’t think I’d ever been so darn nervous in my life. I couldn’t believe I might get to kiss one of the coolest guys in school at the end of the night. The very thought made my stomach churn like hell. It was so nerve racking thinking I might have my first kiss, well proper one anyway. I’m glad I had Alice there. She’s a misfit like me and I don’t have to impress her. But prom ain’t about friends it’s about having a boy. A boy who wants and needs me. Friends don’t matter as much. It was a boy I wanted, and I had one. I just wanted to be with him, but instead I stuck close with Alice all night.

All the guys stayed over the other side of the room. Sean was with all the football guys. Alice kept urging me to go over to him, but I was just too darn nervous. I wish he’d just have come over, I was only on the other side of the room!! Me and Alice hung out awkwardly at the drinks table, I was too nervous to eat. We just kept looking over at the group of guys. Even the nice guys like Nicky and Justin didn’t come near.

The proper music began to play, the dancing was starting. This is it, I’m gonna have to dance with him soon I kept thinking. I also kept thinking what if he doesn’t come over? What if I go over there and I get left on my own? It made me need to go to the bathroom.

As I sat on the bowl I was still thinking about what was going to happen and my stomach churned even more. I kept telling myself he had asked me for a reason, I was his date, and it was going to be okay. I made up my mind when I left the bathroom I was gonna go over and dance with him.

I walked through the hall and back into the gym. As soon as I entered the room, I could see it. They were right at the far-end of the room in the corner. Even from there, with the dark lighting and mass of moving bodies, I could see Sean kissing Melanie. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t, I had to see it. They were passionately kissing as they slow danced. How could they!!!? I kept my eyes on them just long enough for my brain to confirm what I was seeing, then my throat swelled up and I couldn’t watch anymore. I paced to the other side of the room and faced towards the wall. I desperately tried to hold back tears. I didn’t want everyone to see me cry, the humiliation would be awful. I gripped myself and just focused on the ceiling. Alice appeared next to me, trying to talk to me, but I didn’t take in what she was saying. She kept asking if I was okay. I just kept looking at the ceiling. I knew if I looked at her I would cry. Hold it together, just hold it together, I kept telling myself.

I knew I had to get out of there. I muttered something to Alice about needing some fresh air, and half jogged my way outside. I looked back and was relieved that Alice aint followed me. As soon as I ran around the building and out of sight, tears poured down my cheeks. I rested against a wall, nestling my head on my forearm, and sobbed. Tears dripped into my mouth, and I remember tasting snot and salt. I cried uncontrollably, but it felt good to get it out of my system.

As my tears began to stop, I regained my composure. I looked up to see Charlie standing a few feet away, staring at me. Charlie was kinda smart, but kinda scruffy. He still had his scruffy hair and wispy teenage beard. He was wearing a smart, but simple suit and he hadn’t loosened his tie like most of the others.

All in the same breath he blurted out matter-of-factly, that he was sick of the prom and invited me back to his house. I was taken off guard. I probably had said no more than two words to him the whole of high school. I said yes. I didn’t care who he was. I knew he would probably want to have sex with me, and I knew I would let him. I just wanted to feel desirable, at least once.

Once I got to his house, I quickly realised that it wasn’t sex that was on his mind, but something even better. A feeling more powerful than the strongest orgasm. I probably wasn’t in the house more than two minutes before it happened. I aint even take off my shoes off. Why his parents weren’t there was a mystery, as was why I didn’t ask him what it was? I don’t know why I aint just leave.

Charlie had left the room, leaving me frozen on the old family couch. A huge thing, patterned with garish red flowers. I sat awkward and nervous, staring at my dress that didn’t quite reach my knees. I was still staring at the bottom of my fancy high heels when Charlie walked into the living room carrying a plastic bag. He took a syringe out of it along with an old brown belt, and sat himself next to me, still not saying a word. I felt queasy and nervous with no idea what he was doing. He then turned and spoke to me. “If you want some, I’ll have to do you first.”

“Yeah,” I muttered. What in the blue hell was I doing? At the time though it was too late. That thought never reached my lips. Charlie tied a belt around my arm and stabbed a needle through my skin and injected me. I knew what it was. What else could it be? I felt the ecstasy of heroin for the first time. I just wanted some excitement, some relief from the pain in my heart. I got all that and much more. God how much more. I would meet my first love that night after all. I know I shouldn’t, but I already know I’m going back to Charlie’s today.